It’s 12:58am and my eyes are itchy from tiredness and even though there were one hundred good things I wanted to do tonight most of them can wait – except for this post.
Right now my room is a gentle kind of a warm and I am thinking about kindness and love and hurt and people and how every single person has something that matters to them.
I think mostly people are scared of being misunderstood. It makes us mad and frustrated. Mainly we like to think that everyone who doesn’t understand us is stupid – but that’s not true right? I could be talking to the smartest person in the world but if she was talking in French than I wouldn’t be able to understand a thing that she said, but just because I didn’t know she was smart doesn’t mean she’s not.
And I wish people weren’t so scared because mostly all people want is to be loved or at least to be respected. It is easy to be kind. It may not be easy to think kind – heck I think lots of shitty things, but I read once that it’s not your first thought that matters but your second, the thought that decides how you act. Who you choose to be.
Everybody is human. Everybody has something that matters to them. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s any less important that what matters to you.
People as whole are achingly brave and important.
It is 2:21am and Flo came to visit me and we laughed at stories we used to write and it’s funny how you can make whole worlds in your mind and some of them are real and some are not. We were talking the other night too, about how some bridges are never burnt even if they can’t be seen by anyone else.
I remember what it was like when you were in love with me. Warm air and salty sunshine still sits between us and even though we didn’t, it was worth fighting for and that sits between us too. In a good way though, its kind of like a pet you didn’t want but learnt to love. And I think sometimes you do miss things without wanting them back. I miss being fifteen and playing netball and eating cheesecake in the sun with her but I would never go back.
For all the wrong roads that I have walked down, I have also taken enough good turns to know that love is the most defining feature in my life. I love people so much – not even specific people (though I have found my soulmates in friends and family so many times over) – just humans. I love how they are raw and jagged and so insistent on building – we are always building. I love how we fight and I love how we love. People like to say shit about humanity is screwed but I don’t know how they can believe that.
We may have fucked up but are also always trying you know? Every bit of fight and compassion and faith that we feel is inherently human – we are all inescapably human.
And what we do best is build; futures, connections, understanding.
What people say is true – we won’t ever be truly free until every person can live without shame or prosecution. We won’t ever be truly ok unless we all learn to be human first and rational second and until we know that to be human is to always be kind – even when we don’t quite understand why.
4:03am and often I wonder why I value so many other things over sleep when I hate being tired like I do. I guess there is a lot of living I want to do and never enough time.
But i’m human and so I am trying.
I love you xx