Probably the only thing I like about this year is that it was satisfyingly, undoubtedly the worst. Partially that categorisation is selfish because what did I really suffer? But I think sometimes its ok to hurt selfishly.
I have created a list of the ten WORST THINGS ABOUT THIS YEAR. They are a mix of personal and global and real and superficial but together they wrap up and accumulate into enough to classify my 2016 as a not-that-good time. The possibility of a toss and renewal come this new year has never been so longed for, but also dreaded for its enormity and possible impossibility.
Still, let’s begin.
(once again the pictures are relics of the year and not accurate representations of my points)
1) People died.
Globally we lost so many lives to hate crimes – think the war, think Orlando, think of all the mindless angry killings and acts of terrorism that occurred. In 2016 all of our mass death represented hate and misunderstanding and created a loss so big it is a hole; gaping, infected, aching and unfillable.
We lost a radical amount of celebrity icons; I read a thing about how a lot of the people who died this year represented hope in regards to self-expression and sexuality and now they’re dead. It’s dead.
Personally, everyone seemed to die as well. I went to three funerals of family members and that wasn’t the extent of the death, I just couldn’t make it to the rest. They were big ones too, gut-wrenching ones. One tragically and unfairly fucking young, one who had been a constant in my life for all I can remember, one who was a father to so many people I love.
They were people that mattered to me.
And it sucked. It fucking sucks to think about all these distant people dying at the expense of peoples hope and for stupid reasons that shouldn’t exist. And selfishly, but also as a human, it sucks even more that I had to see people I know dead. It sucks that there is a mother missing her baby and siblings missing their mother and grandkids lost without their grandfather. That’s just how death is I guess. There is always so much of it and some years it hits you harder than others. This year it got my family enough for it to sting.
2) We had a fly + ant infestation all year round????
Annoying and gross!
I don’t give a fuck about the policies behind it. Tell me honestly that there wasn’t a racist undertone to that decision. Tell me truly that the refugee crisis and the fear spawned from it wasn’t the real, emotive reason behind the decision.
Fuck it right? And okay yeah, I understand it – honestly I do, I know how he managed to win the votes of all the unheard and frustrated American people. But I also know that he is not fit to lead a country, I know that he is a businessman first and a leader second, I know that he rules with fear and misunderstanding.
I know what his win represented to so many people. It wasn’t worth it.
You fucked up America.
5. Health was manageable #blessed but there were a lot of weird moments.
ER check-ups and months of eye drops and confused doctors and swollen skin and two lots of surgery. I think the real lowlight was when I collapsed in the zoo because even though I was absolutely fine, there was a moment where the world was fading and the blackness was heavy and I really thought I was going to die. It struck a fair few days of life crisis and this really empty fear but on the bright side here I am alive. Shout out to Tessa’s sister & Nan (also Tessa) who sat for hours in this crazy emergency doctors with me. Also again to Tessa who had to wave down passer-by’s in the middle of the zoo because I was lying on the ground rapidly losing my ability to exist. She’s a brave human and a really, really good friend.
6. Brad & Angelina also Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris broke up.
Am I the kind of person who buys into celebrity relationships? Yes.
7. The International Community let the team down.
If you can’t intervene on Aleppo, if you can’t stop this war that is raging on that side of the world, if you can’t find room for all the people seeking somewhere safe to go – what the fuck is the point? There are politics involved and policies and freedom and rights I do really, truly get that – but also there are people dying and lost and unwanted and they are people too you know? They deserve so much better and it’s not fair. I know it has never been fair but man, how many disasters and big, real tragedies does this globe have to face in a year before somebody steps up
Also on issues climate change?! it is real and it is happening and all our animals are going extinct and our forests are catching on fire and no one is doing anything??
You’re all going to keep arguing until the floor starts to sink beneath you and I hate that. I hate that the older I get the smaller the world seems, but also the more misguided and confused and complicated. I study politics and I talk to people who disagree with me and I hear them, you know? I understand their reasons, their rationale, why they are fucked off by liberals and their ideals. I get it, but also I don’t. Like, I understand the game. I just want us to stop playing it.
8) Honestly, not that much good music.
Beyonce (although I don’t really listen to her) came through for us, Sia, Drake, Kanye, Rihanna. But I think a lot of albums this year were big, brave, artistic ones – which is amazing – but not the easy listening that we have been blessed with every year previously.
Also albums due to come out didn’t, lots of artists I love went on a break. I just think there was a lack of new, exciting music to sum up the year – but I guess maybe the lack of it is summary enough.
9) People left.
It breaks your heart a bit I think, how things can work out. But it’s like I said back in March – sometimes the people you rely on the most are going to pull the floor out from under you and they’ll do it purposefully and they’ll do it painfully and they will not care how hard you hit the ground. I think for all I preach on the importance of being selfish, I probably deserved this reality check of being the one on the other side.
Also it’s uncanny how much things this time around remind me of another time in my life, except back then I was on the good side and and now I am not. Empathy is a hard, cruel gift and karma, as promised, is a bitch.
A note though;
I thought the lesson was to change but I realise now it’s not. The lesson is that when somebody quits on you in the middle of the game, you don’t have to keep playing.
Maybe you wanted them to stick around and they chose to walk. But also, maybe you deserve better than someone who chose the easy way out. Maybe you are still whole enough to leave the door open behind them.
But it’s okay if you’re mad and you can’t.
2016 was just tiring. In its defence it started from a hard place because 2015 was the biggest rollercoaster of my existence and definitely hit the end as a (hopeful and beautiful) train wreck. But still, who knew that trying again would be so tiring? Who knew people would be so stressful? Who knew faking confidence in a room of intelligent people would be so emotionally draining?
2016 has been a constant barrage of bad times which ended in an exceptional, unbelievable finale of what I can happily classify as the worst few weeks of my life.
(honestly I take that to mean I am blessed though because even in the worst of times I am so loved and ok).
But here we are, at the end of it all the same.
I know people think I am idealistic that the new year can heal a lot of the things on this list but as my favourite quote goes, ‘the sun will still rise in the morning.’
Sometimes things are worse because you are tired and have a blurry mind and in those times it is best to shut your eyes and go to sleep knowing that when you wake you will have new energy and better light and things will be more ok.
I think of the New Year is the biggest morning wake up ever. In 2017 we have not lost anyone or anything. In 2017 we have a year of new days. In 2017 there is so much time to get it right.
(There will be a second more positive part to this post with the best of year – but I figured I would knock out the worst early.)
Sorry to be a buzzkill, but sometime ya just have to vent. And also I think (surprise, surprise) its healthy and ok to acknowledge the bad times because how else can you put into perspective the good? How else can you grow stronger from them?
Anyway, feel free to complain to me all you want. Love ya kids, see you tomorrow xx