On: Being Busy

I am busy. Crazy, ridiculously busy. I would like to say that I didn’t mean my life to be like this but I did. I anticipated this, I planned it this way – and now I am reaping exactly what I sowed, both the sweet and disastrous.

It’s been outstandingly rewarding – like real life, full on instant gratification. I have never felt more noticeable and connected to the university than I do now. I can’t walk a few metres without recognising someone and in a university as big as mine it’s insane to feel so seen. Even in school I didn’t feel as visible as I suddenly am. This year I know people and they’re all so good.

Also every bit of my time is suddenly needed for something. I spend literal hours emailing, I am constantly sending and receiving and sorting pieces of mail into relevant folders. I have so many places to be and weird responsibilities. I came home from an eight-hour shift and had to spend an hour editing a spread sheet? I have to go see some government departments about money and loans? My biggest break was my lecture? I have too many work shifts, its everyone’s birthday. There is obligation after obligation and I don’t have time to slow down.

But it gives me a purpose and I guess I really believe that good work returns rewards. Everything good that happens to me these days I deserve because I am working so hard for them. But then I guess the flipside is I can’t handle anything less than perfect. I kind of get home and I know I am exhausted but instead of sleepy I just feel tense and fizzing with so much flighty energy. Like I get home and I don’t want to go to bed: I want to run a marathon or yell at my landlord or just to cry to be honest with you. I mainly want to call my mum and cry.

I am busy. I sleep deeply and never for long enough, I set my alarm three hours earlier than I used to, I have a constant tickling in the back of my throat because my body isn’t used to exhaustion and stress the way it used to be. Stress is my vice I think. I revel in it, I openly embrace it and yet I know it kills me. I see in my skin and the bags under my eyes and the way I feel less together that it kills me.

But I was used to it once and I’ll get used to it again and I know I’ll survive it. Because the most joyful and disgusting part of being this busy is that it is all I am. I am busy and so I am almost nothing else and its addicting as hell.

I am not a good student, a good friend or a good person. I do not have time for the things or the people that make me happy. I haven’t been to the gym or written in my diary or spent a night with my flat in ages. I haven’t sent any postcards or met my favourite people for coffee. I am already behind on law (though this is inevitable because contract law is not aN ENGAGING SUBJECT).

But I don’t have time to be a bad person either and I certainly don’t have time to wallow. Like things that started sucking ages ago – like start of summer ages ago – are still a stupidly big part of my life and it is shit. It’s a mix of bad luck and a bad reactions and people who are bad for each other and it makes you feel like rubbish but its bearable because I’m busy. I have people relying on me – I have to get out of bed and I have to keep working my ass off and I have to make them proud. And yeah sometimes it doesn’t work, I started inexplicably crying at work the other day which was so ridiculous, but also its better than being something I don’t want to be.

I can handle being busy but I don’t think I can handle the alternative.

But I have to say sorry for the millionth time because I am struggling enough keeping up with my own world and so I am definitely struggling hard to keep up with you.

I feel like this post is weirdly personal, but that’s me right? Also censorship is stupid, everyone is human and I hope I am busy for a really long time – I just also kinda hope it gets a bit easier to handle.

xx
Happy March

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One Comment Add yours

  1. You will be okay. You will soon find a reasonable balance 🙂 University only lasts a few years then you will be on your way to great things! Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves before we can turn our attention to others, and I’m sure those who care about you will understand. And don’t bother with people who do not add value to your sanity. All the best with the semester!

    Liked by 1 person

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