I have to be real with you – this year hasn’t gone at all how I envisioned. In many ways it’s been softer and warmer than I could have hoped for. The first half of this year has been filled with sweet air – flowers have been blooming fresh and fragrant on my tongue. I’ve been filled with so much love. But it’s also been a slow year in a stifling and stagnant kind of way. If there are rivers in my veins and oceans in my soul (which poets and tumblr bloggers tell me there are) they have stilled. Nowadays my flowers have wilted and the sweet air is old, dry, rancid. I am ok but I am not inspired nor have I quite figured myself out.
And honestly I don’t really know where to start.
So it is time to take a break. You already will have noticed my posts declining. Everything I write seems to be coming from a really broken place but that’s not the kind of life I am living and that’s not the content that I want to produce. Writing is a really big part of who I am and I want the posts that I make to represent me in the fullest sense – not just me when I am tired or me when I am sad.
There are so many people and things that I care about and I am so much better at expressing my love for them than I have proven myself to be so far. This break isn’t for me to stop writing, it’s to give me time to search and talk and expand and edit. To create posts about the people that amaze me and the places that inspire me and the topics that actually mean something to me. I want to create the kinds of stories that can’t be written overnight. That is the side of me that I want to share with you.
I have always prided myself on being candid and being authentic but this is a time in my life where things are too fleeting to reflect on properly. There are so many things that I am experiencing that I don’t want to write down (I haven’t kept my diary in months – shame). The rush to complete posts isn’t compatible with the slow burn of this year and so while what I say what I post is honest it never feels entirely true you know? It’s not a proper expression of me.
I have decided I will not be finishing my posts for May and I will not be posting in June.
Instead I am going to finish my Semester (eg. actually try and pass my law tests), get some sleep and start brainstorming some real ideas. I already have a list in my head of people I want to talk to and how I want to share them with you. I know which places I want to visit and I am keen to do some thinking about which of my many wild stories I want to tell. This definitely won’t be the last of the over informative diary like entries, because well, I’m me and that’s kind of how I write – but I hope it will be the start of consistency and something way better than what’s come before.
I will miss you a lot!! And thank you so much for the love anyway – all the kindness has meant so much. I am really excited to turn this blog into something a bit better or at the very least, a bit more me.
Look after yourselves and I will see you very soon!
love from zar xx